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JOKE OF THE DAY
13/06
A
man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner
points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:
"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.
The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one
costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot
can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third
parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."
Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it
do a thing but the other two call him boss!"
12/06
One
day 3 guys walked into a pub together. They each
bought a pint of Guinness Beer.
Just as they were about to
enjoy their creamy beverage,
three flies landed in each of
their pints, and were stuck in
the thick foam.
The first guy pushed his beer
away in disgust. The second
one fished the fly out of his
beer and continued drinking it,
as if nothing had happened. The
third, too, picked the fly out
of his drink, but then held it
out over the beer squeezing it
and yelled,
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT,
YOU !#@?$%!!!!
This isn't a Free Beer!"
11/06
A
guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you
to give me a
12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because
I can tell the
difference."
The bartender
is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man
with 5-year
scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
"Bartender,
this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year
scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.
The man takes a
sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't
want 8-year
scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the
bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man
takes a sip and
sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting,
grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this
with great
interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in
front of the
man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out
what you can
do. Try this one."
The man takes a
sip and immediately spits out the liquid and
cries, "Yechhh!
This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk's
eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, that's right!,
now how old am
I?"
10/06
A
husband had been away for a few months and had
a romantic evening planned for
him and his wife. He
sent the two older kids to the
movies but could not
persuade the youngest boy to go
along. Finally he
makes a deal with the boy. If
the boy will go sit on
the curb in front of their
house, the father will give
the boy $5 for every man he
sees go by in a red hat.
A while later the little boy
comes running into the
house and bangs on the bedroom
door and shouts
"Dad, are you sure you can
afford that ? You'd better
come outside, there's a Shriner
convention in town
and they are all marching up
our street. Looks like
about 650 of them."
09/06
The
two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and
possession of marijuana when
they were found naked, each
smoking a joint, sitting on the
edge of the fountain in the
town square.
The arresting officer told them
they were entitled to a phone
call, since he was unable to
reach either parent. Some time
later, a man entered the
station and the sergeant said, "I
suppose you're the kids' lawyer."
"Nope," the chap replied.
"I'm
just here to deliver them a pizza."
08/06
A
drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway
seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face
was covered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle
of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened
his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your
fellow man.", the priest said.
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man
and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so
strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
07/06
A
pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending
all
his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll
you have?" he asked.
"Oh,
I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So,
the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw
his
down in one shot.
His
wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and
immediately
spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.
"I
don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well,
there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out
enjoying myself
every night!"
06/06
This
guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees
a
parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string
tied
to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of
the
strings.
"Well,
this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string
he
speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks
German,"
replies the shop keeper.
"And
what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious
shopper
inquires.
"I'll
fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.
05/06
A
man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be
good
samaritans and get him home.
So
they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door.
On
the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they
get
to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls
down
four more times.
They
ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
The
man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
04/06
A
young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten
so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with
him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I
see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want
me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For Pete's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you
to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
03/06
A
young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where
are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You
have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What
do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little
more specific."
The
woman touched her right knee with her index finger
and
yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek
and again
yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched
her right
earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The
doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told
her
his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
02/06
A
secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when
she
encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager,
standing
in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said Mr.
Jones, "this is important, and my secretary
has already left. Can you make
this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the
secreatry. She turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed
the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!"
said Mr. Jones as his paper
disappeared
inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
31/05
Two
dumb guys were in an alley shooting drugs,
and
using the same needle.
A
man walked by on the street and yelled, "You idiots!
Don't
you know about AIDS?!"
One
of the guys replied, "Of course we do! But it won't
affect
us, we're both wearing condoms!"
28/05
The
Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI,
and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best
at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases
a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout
the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude
that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn
the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and
they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with
a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
"Okay!
Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
26/05
Stan
got married, but he was too dumb to know
what
to do on his wedding night.
"For
God's sake, Stan!" said his bride, "you take
that
thing you play with and you put it where I pee!"
So
Stan got up and put his bowling ball in the sink.
Quotation
of the Day:
Minds
are like parachutes - they only function
when
open. --Thomas Dewar
25/05
A
cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a
drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of
picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse
had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the
air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires
a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with
surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back
outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun
back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back
in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back!
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say
partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
24/05
While
going thru his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer
discovered
3 soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in
cash.
The farmer confronted his wife and when asked about
the
curious items, she confessed:
"Over
the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you, but
when
I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind
myself
of my indiscretion." she explained.
The
farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either,
and
therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments
of
weakness in his wife.
"I'm
curious though," he said, "Where did that $30 come from?"
"Oh,
that?" his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit $10 a
bushel,
I sold out!"
23/05
A
man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your
broken
tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to
give you a citation for not wearing your
seat belt."
Man: "Oh,
I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife:
"Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man
turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer
turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your
husband
talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife:
"No, only when he's drunk."
22/05
A
fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini.
Before
drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully
put it into a glass jar.
Then he ordered another martini and did the same
thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and
the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as
peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said.
"His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."
21/05
A
gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He
approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good
enough and tell me where the library is at?"
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry,
sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a
preposition!"
The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your
pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to
tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
18/05
"Isn't
the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"
16/05
A
little girl came home from school and said to her
mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished
for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going
to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by
the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."